07 June 2010

ONLY AS DIRECTED










Circumlocumin: Directions for Use.

Store this medicine at room temperature in a tightly sealed container.   If you live in a room that’s really hot, store this medicine in a refrigerator set for no lower that 49° F.  Do not use this medicine if your are predisposed to contract salmonella or botulism from food stored at 49°F.  Keep this medicine away from moisture, except for the water you use to swallow it.  Do not store this medication in  direct sunlight.  Do not freeze.  Do not place in microwave.  If a mule offers to transport this medication across international borders in his or her intestinal tract, remove your contact information from the vial before agreeing to anything.

Caution: Do not take this medicine if you have an allergic reaction to it.    The only way to be sure that you have an allergic reaction to this medicine is to take this medicine.  Do not take this medicine if you are currently taking acetaminophen, ion channel blockers, MAOI inhibitors or MD2020.   Do not exceed the recommended dose without checking with your doctor, or your doctor’s attorney, or with the fat lady on the first floor who keeps that Zip-Loc bag full of all those different color pills.

Be sure to take this medicine regularly.  Taking this medicine at the same time each day will help you remember to take this medicine at the same time each day.  It may take 2 to 4 weeks for this medicine to work, during which time you might still die from whatever you’re taking it for.  Before any medical, dental or emergency surgical procedure, tell the doctor or dentist that you are on this medication.  Unless they brought you in unconscious, in which case you are so screwed.

This medicine may cause lightheadedness, dizziness, fainting, nausea or all four at once.  If dizziness occurs, sit up or stand up slowly,  just prior to falling.  This medicine has been known to engender suicidal, homicidal, patricidal and fungicidal ideation.  Do not drive a motor vehicle, or operate heavy machinery while taking this medication.  Do not participate in any activity that might require skill, judgment or intelligence.  Use of alcohol while taking this medicine may lessen the medicine’s effectiveness and reduce your ability to perform complex tasks or lie to your wife about where the hell you were all night.  If your rabbi referred you to a mohel who is taking this medicine, cancel the bris now.

This medication caused 83% of a test group to read faster, with less comprehension.  A test on animal subjects was inconclusive: several Norway rats in the control group later admitted Latvian citizenship.  Always remember to drink plenty of fluids during exercise or any activities that may cause sweating and heavy breathing.  Ask your doctor whether your heart is healthy enough for sexual activity, but only if you do not sweat or breath heavily.

Never leave this medicine where it can be reached by children or teenagers.  If your teenager does manage to steal it, offering to trade him for two hits of Ecstasy usually gets it back.  According to your doctor’s attorney, neither he nor MegaPharm, LLC are responsible for diddly squat.  Outside the United States, there are seventeen sovereign nations where you can purchase this medication for significantly less, assuming you can afford all those new fees the airlines are charging.

Federal law prohibits the transfer of this medication to any person other than the patient for whom it was prescribed.  Only your doctor can tell you whether you are the person for whom this medicine was prescribed.

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All original text (C) 2007, 2008 David J. Carney. All rights reserved.

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